When the world gets tough i eat!!!

Dumbest thing EVER... So it all started when R broke her leg. We got to the Dr's about 3pm, got to radiology about 4pm and were at hospital by 5pm. By about 630pm we were told you wont be going home for a long time, so at that point my hubby went in search of dinner and managed to find a vending machine and came back with chips and soft drink, of course by the way the day went i didn't have time to prepare healthy meals for us to have while in hospital so this was the begining of the end. 

Piss poor excuse Kim but this is what started me on my path of self destruction. I don't need to go into too many boring details, as really who wants to hear about how shit my life is and let's face it there are people out there far worse than me, so anyway life has sucked pretty bad since then and to compensate or punish myself i have been stuffing my gob with anything and everything and GOD I FEEL HORRIBLE FOR IT.

As i lay on my back on my bed last night spasming like a cockroach that had just been sprayed trying to get my jeans on it dawned on me. WHAT AN IDIOT. I HATE the way i am feeling, i HATE the way i am looking and I don't even really like the food i am forcing myself to eat. I am punishing myself for the way life is going.

Is anyone else actually stupid enough to do this, force them self to eat disgusting food while telling them self things like "well you are a fat failure anyway you may as well eat this stuff and live up to your title". 

WOW that sounds so dumb when you write it down. 

So i am now officially the heaviest i have been since having the kids and enough is enough. I am worth the change, i know i will be back here agin at some point but hopefully just not as bad as this, so here is to tomorrow, the first day of success. :-) 

~xox~

No change no change

No change... I'll take it!!! While i am massively at the biggest weight i have been since having kids i didn't gain any more this week so i am happy with that. 

69.8kg, god i hate that number but i love it at the same time because it isn't 70kg which is where i thought i would be this week. 

So snap out of it idiot, grow up and stop making excuses in your head for making the wrong choices. 

This week i pledge to lose 1kg. I WILL lose 1kg and i WILL weigh less than 68.8kg next week. 

Where to now?

So i feel like i have swallowed a brick, the weight in my stomach not caused from food but caused from frustration and being down. 

I have gained and gained massively. Einstein is right, i am insane, lol, i keep doing the same thing expecting to lose weight. 

So tomorrow i am back to it, back to the blood type diet and back to doing every single little piece of incidental exercise i can. 

And here it is... 

Yep 69.8kg. Almost 70kg. I haven't been that weight since after having the kids. The strange part about it is that it has all come on so fast, like in the last 5 weeks and that all my clothes etc still fit. 

I am mainly thinking it is fluid retention from lack of movement but none the less it is still weight and it is still there. The feeling i have is what is weighing me down the most though. God i have never ever let myself get to this and am a bit baffled. 

So i am going to channel, channel really really hard on getting my head in the right space and having R out of traction is a great start as we already have 2 appointments to go to tomorrow so we will be on the go all day and i can't wait. 

Watch this space... The happy me will be returning, i promise. 

What a swing! It's back, i found it!

AS i woke this morning all i wanted was to eat. Nope motivation hadn't returned so i had white bread toast. Then sitting down watching loser and the cramps started and sure enough it's now that time of the month. Way too much information but once it started my motivation seemed to return, i know realise those few slaggy, lazy days prior were because Aunt Flo was about to arrive. Thank god she is here though and i can now get back on track. 

The other thing that boosted me, as it always does, is to go through friends Facebook photo's. I get very jealous of how good some of my friends look at that gives me drive, very shallow i know, but they don't know who they are and if it works well i don't see the harm in it, so here is to a brilliant week. 

:-)

Back to where i started

So i suck, yep i suck big time. I have NO idea why i do it to myself but i am back to where i started from. 67.7kg. 

To be honest with myself, today i have no motivation to even try and lose weight... I know i am not happy at this weight, i know i will feel better losing weight and i know how hollow i feel when i see this number on the scales but today i am feeling like bad food is the better option. Oh why does it have to taste sooooo good? You can't tell me that hot chips and chocolate aren't the best foods around? 

Despite my total lack of motivation today i have actually managed to eat really well and am below target for my calorie count. 

So i will try and convince myself, despite this massive lack of desire today, that i need to get back on track, that i need to get moving and shift this weight. Sometimes i think it would be easier to be 72kg again because the weigh came of so much easier then. 

Oh well, i am going to try to find my motivation, i know it's around here somewhere.